Trying to let go of the shame

My daughter and I - October 1976

Taking a different path is never easy. It was not in my life plan to be pregnant at fifteen, married and a mother at sixteen, and divorced with a child at twenty-one. But that is the path I took. I would not recommend it to anyone, but I wouldn't change it either. My daughter is the greatest gift in my life.

That said, she suffered trauma from before she was born, as I was emotionally battered throughout my pregnancy. No ones fault, just the reality of being pregnant while still a child without the perspective to handle all the emotions and hormones.

I made so many mistakes, mistakes that hurt both of us, and I can't fix that. I have been chasing redemption for almost fifty years now, and that redemption has to come from me. I am the one holding on to the shame.

I've worked hard to build a good life, and to give my daughter a good life. I failed a lot in the early years, not so much lately. But the reality of parenthood is that we fail often. Our adult children, if we are lucky, love us and forgive us for past failures, and are honest with us when we screw up in the present.

I don't want to hang on to the shame anymore, but I don't know how to put it to rest. I try reminding myself that I was a child, and didn't have the skills for the situations I had to navigate.

I remind myself that I have tried hard to atone for my mistakes and the harm they caused.

I keep trying to be a good person, and to do good things.

I know part of the problem is how much time I spend alone, and how much harder the negative thoughts are to escape when there is no one to distract me from them.

I will keep working on forgiving myself.

For anyone reading this who is carrying a burden of shame or guilt; I want you to know I see you, and I understand how hard it is to work through those feeling and shed those burdens.

In the meantime, I will keep working on being the best version of myself I can be, and try to let go of all the versions of me who didn't live up to who I wanted to be.