Reflections

Grief is a highly personal journey - it has no map, it has no order, it has no predictability. I am overwhelmingly sad. I can escape from the sadness for moments, but it is just where I am. I know there is no way to hurry through this sadness. It will take as long as it takes.

I don't like to cry. It makes my head hurt, and my eyes burn, and in general leaves me feeling more miserable. So, when I start to cry, I try very hard to make myself stop.

I cried and cried in my dreams last night. I don't remember everything about the dreams, but I remember the crying, and anger and hurt.

If I don't let myself cry in the daytime, I guess it is inevitable that I will cry in my dreams.

In my books, dreams play an important role. Dreams are often visits from departed loved ones. I felt like my grandmother, Sophie Dunn, visited me in my dreams for years.

There are times when I dream of my parents or aunts and uncles and I wake up feeling like I have visited with them.

I yearn for the day that I dream of Cecil and it feels like a visit. I know that day will come.

Until then, I will keep moving forward, carrying my grief, appreciating moments of peace and moments of relief from the sadness.

I created a character in my books, Martha Scott, before Cecil got sick. She is a recently widowed woman who is trying to build a life without her husband. I look at the things I have made Martha do to move forward through her grief, and it provokes me to have the kind of courage I have given Martha.

My books overriding theme is that God is present in our lives and that He is always seeking a deeper relationship with us, always seeking to lead us to our best lives. I believe He gave me Martha because He knew I would need her example.