Reclamation

Roosevelt Mall in New Orleans City Park

I walked five miles in City Park today. It was the first time I walked in City Park since May. I love City Park. It fills me with joy and wonder every time I go. And yet, while I was in the darkness of this summer, I never took myself there.

The only thing that stopped me from going to City Park for more than five months was me. That is a hard truth. I have been having hard conversations with myself over the last week about how the only person who can help me is me. I have to choose to turn towards the light. I have to choose to find ways to be happy.

I am still riding on the high of my miles in City Park. I saw a beautiful pregnant woman doing a photo shoot with her partner. I heard a Gospel choir. I saw couples and children and dogs enjoying the beautiful weather. The Spanish moss is amazing this year, and the preparations for Celebration in the Oaks have begun.

It can be easier to stay sad and think about what I don't have. I can get lost in mourning Cecil, and the life we had together. But that doesn't add anything to my life. It felt too hard to put some drinks in a cooler and drive to City Park for a walk, so I didn't do it. But I decided earlier this week that I was going to make myself go today and I did and it was even better than I expected.

I feel like I am reclaiming myself with every small step I take towards the light. I loved to walk before I ever met Cecil. Just because it was something we loved to do together, I don't have to be sad when I walk by myself. I can be grateful for the times we had, but I can also celebrate I'm still doing something I have enjoyed since I was a teenager.

Grief is strange and relentless, and it wants to color everything. I am learning that I don't have to let it.