Outsider

Bucktown Marsh

One thing I have learned about myself in the more than ten years I have been writing is that when I need to write about something, I will be unable to write about anything until I write about what it is I need to write about.

I have been hesitant to write this post, because it might sound needy, or attention seeking. I am worried that friends and family may read this and feel like they need to do something differently. None of that is true.

These feelings I need to write about and share are mine. They are not caused by anyone or anything, they are part of my grief journey.

Since Cecil died, I often feel very alone, even in the midst of others. I feel outside the circles of love and friendship and family and support. Not always. There are moments with Melanie and Sid, with Lenny, with my sisters and sisters-in-law, my brother and brothers-in-law, my nieces and nephews, my cousins where I feel fully inside and embraced.

But most of the time, I feel very alone. Isolated. Unable to reach for comfort. Unable to appreciate the many gifts of family and friends that I enjoy.

I try to keep busy, and that keeps the loneliness at bay for a while, but then I eventually have to stop and rest, and the horrible feelings return.

This morning at mass, we had a baptism and confirmation. It reminded me that I belong to God. My father and our creator. I am going to try harder to remember that when I feel so isolated and alone.

I'm going to try harder to feel the love and support of my people, no matter where they are, and no matter how long it has been since I have seen or spoken to them.

I've learned that for me, grief stole perspective. Grief has made me child-like in how I get lost in a moment, and forget it is just a moment. That all things, both wonderful and terrible, pass, and new things take their place.

I am so blessed to have such a large circle of family and friends. I am blessed to have gifts to share with volunteer work. I am blessed to have found a church home where I can feel the presence of God.

I am dedicating myself to work harder to focus on what I have, and less on what I have lost.

The journey continues.