New Things

Christmas Lasagna

One of the things that I have learned as I have traveled on this grief journey is that keeping all the old patterns and traditions can make things harder rather than easier. Whenever I go places that Cecil and I went together, or do things we did together, it tends to go one of two ways. I either just miss him so much that I wish I stayed home, or I am swamped with wonderful memories, and then go home and crash because he isn't there.

I'm learning that I have to make new memories in new places, and meet new people so that the undertow doesn't keep capturing me. The coming home to a house with only my dogs for company is still hard, just not quite as hard.

As I was preparing for Christmas, and thinking about what to make for Christmas dinner, I knew that if I tried to keep the Christmas traditions that Cecil and I practiced while he was alive I would be constantly reminded of the empty place at the table.

I decided to start making new Christmas traditions, and the first step was deciding to make lasagna for Christmas dinner.

Cooking and baking are happy activities for me, so the time and effort put into making lasagna was happy time and effort. Lasagna is a family favorite for me and Melanie and Sid, that made it feel like a good choice.

And it was good, and we enjoyed it, and I think I started a new Christmas dinner tradition, but there was still an empty place at the table.

But that doesn't mean starting a new Christmas dinner tradition was a failure. And that is another thing I am learning. A new thing doesn't have to be good to be better.

The trying is the important part. There is only one choice, and that is to build a life without Cecil in it. And that trying is hard. And it is not an abandonment of Cecil or our life together. It is simply a recognition that I will never have that life again. And the time I have left shouldn't be squandered. There is still good I can do. There are still people I can help and be kind to. There are still stories I have to tell, and books I have to write.

I will keep trying new things. Creating new traditions. Building a new life that honors the life I no longer have.