Milestones

Rainbow Sweater

Not everything looks like what is represents. This sweater being finished is so much more than a completed project.

I started this sweater when Cecil's chemo was still working. I had to make a lot of adjustments to the pattern so that it would fit correctly when finished, so there was a lot of crocheting, and then pulling out stitches, and reworking and trying on and adjusting before any real progress was made. And just when things would have started to move quickly to completion, Cecil's chemo stopped working.

The next months included working on the sweater, but also putting it aside to make a baby blanket and some toys. And then Cecil was in hospice, and I worked on the sweater. And then he died, and I couldn't crochet. I tried multiple times to pick up this sweater and finish it, but I just couldn't.

I don't know why the act of crochet, which had been my go-to stress manager became impossible. But when I would try to crochet, I would get more anxious and sad, and I just couldn't make myself do it anymore.

But slowly, I was able to string windows of time together and finish.. It was hard, y'all. And there were times when I had to take another break. But I kept going back, and finally, the sweater is finished.

I've started work on a baby blanket. Crochet is still not what it used to be for me, but I am getting better. It is that learning to live with the scar thing again.

I'm proud that I figured out a way to finish. I'm proud that I am not giving up a hobby that I love because it is now tangled up in my grief.

One day at a time. One stitch at a time, I am putting myself back together.