Everywhere be scary monsters

One of the hardest things for me to cope with on this grief journey is the fear. I see scary monsters everywhere.

When Lenny came to Metairie and got the Chevy running again, he had to empty the gas tank because the gas had gone bad. I have four gas cans full of bad gas in my garage. They will take it at the Jefferson Parish dump, I just have to put it in my car and drive it there. I'm afraid. Don't exactly know why, but the fear of that task has paralyzed me.

St. Pius X church fair is this weekend, and I needed to take the raffle ticket stubs and money to the church office. It was all I could do to force myself to go. The woman who answered the door could not have been nicer. There was no scary monster waiting there for me. I talked out loud to myself walking back to the car, reminding myself there was no scary monsters waiting for me anywhere. I'm still stuck.

I can't make myself make an appointment to get a haircut. I really need to take that trip to the municipal dump.

I am doing the Big Easy Half Marathon on Sunday, because I have been too afraid to go to an NOTC or NORSI race. This race is non-traditional enough that I think I can make it through. I know I will be a nervous wreck on Sunday morning. I registered for Turkey Day yesterday, but that will be a tough go.

I am tired of being afraid of everything, and I don't know how to stop. No one talking about grief ever warned me about the fear. Maybe I am the only one who has experienced it.

The terrible thing is I know the fear is unreasonable. Logically, I know there is nothing to be afraid of. Unfortunately, logic doesn't help.

It will be a very big win for me the day I finally take that gas to the dump. I hope that making myself do things that are scary is helping me to do more things that are scary. And to realize that there are not scary monsters lurking in every public place.

I know there are not big scary monsters waiting everywhere for me. But knowing intellectually and knowing emotionally are radically different things.