Doing the best I can...

I posted a beautiful picture of my pool and yard to remind myself that I am very blessed and lucky. That doesn't change just how much I am struggling right now.

When someone you love dies, everyone tells you how hard the first year will how. How much each holiday or special occasion will wrack you with grief.

They are not lying.

The month of May has been incredibly hard. I miss Cecil so much. Some days, the grief is like an elephant sitting on my chest. It is hard to breathe around it.

My daughter and son-in-law made my birthday as good as it could be. I am so grateful to them for their love and time and attention.

I have been having vivid dreams of Cecil. Sometimes we are just doing ordinary things. And I don't want to wake up from those dreams.

But sometimes, like last night, the dreams are distressing, and I wake up more tired than when I went to bed.

I know as the first anniversary of Cecil's death gets closer, my emotions will continue to get bigger and closer to the surface.

I will try to focus on the blessings and the gifts in my life, and the fact that I had more than 35 wonderful years with Cecil. But if you don't hear from me for a while, it is because I still don't have words for how big these feelings are.

This too shall pass. But for the near future, I will just keep trying to do the best that I can.