Chasing Normal

My lunch today, after mowing the lawn. I'm trying to return to my normal eating habits, which are anything but normal. Pickled Beets, marinated artichoke hearts, pimento stuffed olives, chicken nuggets, and a slice of sourdough bread with olive tapenade and fresh mozzarella cheese. It is a big lunch as edging and mowing the lawn was a big job.

I try to eat a variety of fruits and vegetables, and also try to eat pickled and marinated foods, all in pursuit of optimum health. Who knows if it is providing any benefit, but I like all the things I eat and it makes for a colorful dining experience.

I keep hoping that establishing new patterns will help me establish a new normal. So far, it isn't working. As hard as I try to do things and meet people and put on a happy face, I am desperately lonely. I miss my husband.

My daughter provided me with a way to think about my grief that is helpful. She said that grief is like a bubble, and no matter what you do, it stays the same size. She said the best you can do is make your life bigger so that the bubble becomes less of the whole. But it is always there, and it will always be hard when you fall back into the bubble.

The bubble is taking up a lot of space this week. I need to get back to working on my stories, because they take up space. As I increase my volunteer commitment, I hope that that also takes up space. But the bubble will always be part of me, and any new normal that I establish will have to include my grief.

I knew it would be hard, but I never imagined it would be this hard. But I will keep chasing normal, and I will try to believe that someday I will find it.